The Art of the Question

I once had a young lady tell me that when I debated it was like getting hit in the head with hammer. The statement was not about my grammar but about my execution. To be honest: she was correct. When I defended a point I did so with the intent to destroy the other party. There was a part of me that loved the verbal swordplay—there is a part of me that still does. But swords and hammers do little to get people to think differently—they do even less in encouraging relational building. The moment this young lady provided her critique I was immediately taken aback but thankful. I finished that conversation with increased respect and appreciation for her. Five years later I still explore more efficient and fruitful ways to speak with others—especially when those conversations are more debate oriented.

After intense conversations with my wife or a tense debate with a friend or acquaintance, I try to spend some time reflecting on my communication with them. I replay the event in my mind pondering if there were things I could do better. Inevitably, I tend to find that there are. One that is always apparent is the need to ask more questions to clarify words, statements, or stances. Good questions can make even the most intense conversations turn into significant learning opportunities. The feedback we obtain can equally be the key that opens the pathway through deadlocks and conflicts. Quality questions should be about discovery and mutual-consensus.

We will never master nor remember to ask questions. There will always be times when we will reflect on conversations and notice we did not ask enough; that our responses needed a little more clarity and understanding as to what was being communicated. We often wrongly assume that because we speak the same language we understand one another pretty easily. This is not necessarily accurate. More often than not we do not fully capture what others are trying to communicate, and instead of asking questions to get feedback for clarity and understanding, we respond. These responses often continue the cycle of miscommunication and misunderstanding, which inevitably ends in all kinds of conflict.

A final item I am learning though this process is that once I’ve gained clarity and understand another person’s position, it does not mean I have to agree with them. It is better that I disagree with the knowledge that I understand the other party than to disagree without such illumination. It is this latter situation that has often caused me the most problems. Moreover, I end up having more respect for those I understand and still disagree with.

When you are in heated conversations with others how many questions do you ask? Do those people ask questions of you? What kinds of questions do you ask? What are some things you can do to become a better questioner?

Thanks for sharing.